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Michelle’s feet are always cold when she gets into bed, but she has what she thinks is a playful solution. She heats up her icy feet by placing them on her husband Kevin’s warm body. However, this isn’t a game he enjoys. Kevin has repeatedly told Michelle that he doesn’t appreciate being used as a foot warmer, but she just laughs at his complaints. Lately, Kevin has taken to sleeping at the far edge of the bed, a solution that distances them as a couple.
Playfulness lifts your mood and helps you relax
Mutual playfulness is more than fun; it’s an opportunity for you to relax, renew, and refresh yourself—whether at home or at work. Play is our most joyous form of nonverbal communication in personal and work relationships. Using playful communication broadens your emotional intelligence and allows us to: 
- Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
- Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be difficult without creating a flap.
- Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves. Play delights the nervous system, relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to accomplish more.
- Become more creative. When we loosen our control, it releases rigid ways of being and encourages us to get creative.
Make humor and play a shared experience
Interactive play is not a competitive game; we’re not trying to win or lose. Instead, the play we engage in has to be interesting and equally fun for both people. Something isn’t funny unless it is funny to both parties—and this includes teasing.. Before jumping into humor, you need to consider your motives and your partner’s or colleague’s frame of mind. If the other person isn’t likely to consider it fun, don’t say it or do it. When playfulness is one-sided instead of mutual, it harms the relationship. For example:
Playfulness that strengthens relationships is a joint investment that can help us over many of life’s hurdles. However, even if a joke is meant to be positive, when it doesn’t consider the other person’s viewpoint, it can undermine trust and goodwill. Before jumping into humor, you need to consider your motives and your partner’s or colleague’s frame of mind. If the other person isn’t likely to consider it fun, don’t say it or do it.
Navigating sensitive situations with play
Humor and play can offer a way to communicate with colleagues and loved ones about subjects that may be embarrassing. In playful settings, we hear things differently and can tolerate learning things about ourselves that we otherwise might find unpleasant or even painful. Consider the following situations:
Kelly fell and broke her right wrist. She is in a cast and feels totally frustrated trying to use her left hand. At dinner, she struggles to get food onto her fork and into her mouth, often dropping it in her lap. Her husband, Tom, switches his fork to his left hand to join her in the challenge, and for the next couple of weeks, they both laugh as food lands on the floor.
Lori’s husband comes home sweaty and dirty from his job. This turns her off, and she can’t imagine being intimate with him under these circumstances. But when she says he should take a bath, he gets angry and accuses her of not appreciating what he does for a living. So instead, Lori turns on the water, begins playfully peeling off his clothes, and joins him in the tub.
Whenever you approach ego-sensitive subjects, you can be treading on thin ice. So before playfully addressing what might be a sensitive subject, ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you feeling calm, energetic and warmly connected to your partner or coworker?
- Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings?
- Are you certain your humorous gesture will be understood and appreciated?
- Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending?
- Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals your partner or coworker is sending?
- Do you back off if your partner or colleague seems hurt or angry?
- If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologize?
Use humor and play to help resolve conflict
Making fun of life’s frustrations is the foundation of successful comedy routines. Lucille Ball, our most famous and beloved female comedian, fashioned her career around the challenges of married love. Lucy satirized the petty jealousies and irritations that husbands and wives feel toward one another—and came up with playful and hilarious resolutions.
Assuming we have a solid basis for a friendly or loving relationship, making fun of things that stress us is something we can do in relationships by:
- joking about our frustrations
- making a game of pretending to like things we really dislike
- spoofing and playfully exaggerating problems
- making up games that help get our point across
Play gives us an opportunity to turn conflict into opportunities for shared fun and intimacy. When we use mutual play, we can replace judgment and criticism with humor, and can say and do things that might be awkward or offensive in other contexts.
Playful ways to help relationship problems by reducing tension and anger:
Jamie is pregnant with her first baby and is shopping for nursery wallpaper with her husband, Ted. They disagree about the pattern and get into a heated discussion in the middle of a crowded store. Realizing that emotions are escalating over a minor matter, Ted suddenly and loudly declares, “Well, it looks like we have irreconcilable differences. Want to get a divorce?” People in the store stare at them uncomfortably, and Jamie is momentarily stunned. Then she and Ted both burst into peals of laughter, and go on to choose wallpaper.
Learning to Play
What if you don’t know how to play? Many people, not having experienced mutual play as infants, don’t know how to play as adults. The good news is that this is something you can learn! The more you play, the easier it becomes, and the more you practice, the more you learn. Make a commitment to play by putting aside quality play time on a regular basis. Realize that self-consciousness and concern for how you look and sound to others is probably a big factor that’s limiting your playfulness. Remember—as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn’t worry about the reaction of other people.
Learning to play together is necessary for sharpening the fun skills that help make your relationships flourish. The process of learning to play depends on your preferences. Begin by observing what you already do that borders on fun - telling and listening to jokes; going to movies; making faces in the mirror when you're alone; daydreaming; even eating can be playful. Then, you can try to incorporate more playful activities into your life. You could try taking an improvisation comedy class, throw a costume party, or even volunteer to provide entertainment, such as playing Santa Claus, for the next holiday gathering. The important thing is to find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your playful nature with other people.
Another excellent way to learn playfulness is to practice with “experts”:
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Play with animals. Puppies, kittens, and other young animals are eager playmates and always ready to frolic. Make play dates with friends’ pets, or get your own. |
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Play with babies and young children. The real authorities in human play are children, especially young children. Playing with children who know and trust you is a wonderful way to learn from the experts. |
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Play with customer service people. Most people in the service industry are social and you’ll find that many will welcome playful banter. |
As humor and play become an integrated part of your life, your creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with loved ones will occur to you daily.
For the last skill see Resolve conflicts in your relationships.
This article is based on a portion of Dr. Jeanne Segal's new book, The Language of Emotional Intelligence, The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships.
This book, published by McGraw Hill, teaches the Emotional Intelligence skills you need to communicate effectively with the people you work with and the people you love.
Related Links: Relationship Help Series
Part 1: Learning the Key Skills of Emotional Intelligence
Part 2: Delving Deeper
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