Conflict Resolution Skills

Communication skills that aid conflict resolution

As infants, we experience an interactive relationship with our primary caregivers—usually our mothers. Within this relationship bond, each person becomes capable of understanding the nonverbal cues of the other, and tuning in to the other person’s feelings. This becomes our model for communication in adulthood, and the nonverbal skills that are most effective for resolving conflict are those we developed as babies.

These communication skills include:

These communication skills help resolve conflict in relationships because they:

• Make it possible to hear others – By not getting emotionally overwhelmed, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
• Make it possible for others to hear us - When you can express and control your emotions, you are able to communicate your needs without threatening or punishing others.
• Aid in problem solving – By being calm, focused, and feeling your emotions, you have access to the full range of information about the conflict, which helps you have greater impact in discussing the problem and finding a long-lasting solution.
• Offer positive alternatives to knee-jerk, disrespectful, or hurtful communication and behavior - By avoiding punishing and degrading words and actions you allow people to reunite faster.
• Build trust - When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and painlessly, you help mutual trust to flourish.

Differing needs create conflict resolution challenge

How do differing needs create conflict in relationships? It almost goes without saying that different people require different things to make them feel comfortable and safe. Needs are a great deal more than whims, and people are usually very attached to them. Differing needs create some of the most severe challenges in home and work relationships.

Needs play such a prominent role in your life because they:

• Concern issues that continue to matter to you—they stay with you over time.
• Support survival and well-being—they can’t be postponed indefinitely without dire consequences.
• Continue to fester if ignored—they will turn up unexpectedly at inappropriate times, or in connection with other issues.
• Create experiences that you feel in your body—needs are attached to inescapable sensations and create a serious source of stress if ignored.
• Carry an emotional charge—needs hold a place of prominence in your life and stick with you, whether you like it or not.

Differing needs are at the heart of common relationship problems. There are also differences when it comes to each person’s need for safety and security versus the need for exploration and growth. Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported, but the ways in which these needs are met vary widely.

In a work setting, this principle is commonly evident in conflicting needs for safety and continuity versus the freedom to explore new ideas and take risks. It is important to acknowledged that both sets of needs have important roles to play in the long-term success of most businesses, and both deserve respect and consideration.

Recognizing and resolving conflicting needs

What abilities help us recognize and resolve conflicting needs? The same skills that help you communicate with other people also help you communicate with yourself. The ability to manage stress, and to fearlessly experience and express emotions, allows you to know what you need as well as what others need. These communication skills develop as a result of the secure attachment bond you had as an infant. They help you safely navigate conflict created by opposing needs.

Adults who are out of touch with their emotions, or who are so stressed that they can pay attention to only a limited number of emotions, won’t be able to communicate with themselves. They also will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling them. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them.

Successful conflict resolution depends on the ability to:

• manage stress—remaining alert and calm
• be aware of the emotions that signal needs
• pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others
• be aware and respectful of differences

In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.

Developing Conflict Resolution skills 

People respond differently to discord depending on what they expect to experience. If we anticipate hurt or humiliation, we approach the situation with fear and trepidation. Some people grow up in a home where disputes ended amiably instead of being terrifying events. Some people learnto approach situations in a calm, friendly, fearless way because they learn emotionally intelligent skills that enabled them to do the following:

• Quickly reduce his stress levels
• Experience and manage his strong emotions
• Recognize and practice nonverbal communication
• Meet challenges with a sense of humor

These four skills together form a fifth skill that is greater than the sum of its parts: the ability to take conflict in stride and resolve differences in ways that build trust and confidence. In situations that could feel threatening, this skill gives you the power to do the following:

Stay focused in the present

Focusing on the present, untainted by fear from the past, opens up new possibilities for resolving not only current, but also past disputes. Time changes the way people feel, think, and act. When we are emotionally present and not holding on to old hurts and resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts. We can even use these opportunities to revive and revitalize relationships that were cherished but lost.

Choose your arguments

Developing skills that make us emotionally intelligent nonverbal communicators takes time. They are not accomplished through speedy electronic processes. Because arguments require an expenditure of time and energy, we need to consider what is worth arguing about and what is not. Maybe we don't want to surrender a parking space if we have already been around the block three times looking for a place to park. But if there are dozens of empty spaces elsewhere in a parking structure, arguing over a single space isn't worth the energy.

Forgive

 It's much easier to be compassionate and forgive when we don't feel threatened and have taken the time to listen and understand. But it is harder to pardon or forget when injuries continue to be inflicted. The process of forgiveness begins by assessing whether or not the hurtful treatment continues in the present. If it does, it's up to us to protect ourselves from harm. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.

End conflicts that can't be resolved

It takes two people to keep an argument going. Again, if we have no realistic reason to fear the person we are arguing with, we should be able to disengage from the conflict, if we choose. Whether or not we can do this effectively depends on our ability to understand the other person's complaints without becoming defensive. A story always has more than one side. The ability to see the other person's point of view as well as our own removes the tendency to become self-righteous or to justify ourselves, enabling us to disengage without becoming further drained.

Related Links: Relationship Help Series

Additional Resources

What are you really arguing about?—Part of BBC (UK) relationships series. Conflict resolution includes common conflicts, unresolved issues, sensitive subjects, and fighting for your deeper needs. Series has eight topics including Productive arguing, Ways to make peace, and Learning from arguments. (BBC)

Guidelines for exercises—BBC relationships series includes a dozen practical exercises to help you with conflict resolution and understanding your partner better (see list at bottom of article). (BBC)

Authored by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D with Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D;  Last modified on: 8/03/08