Domestic Violence and Abuse:

Getting help for domestic abuse or violence

How can a woman safely leave an abusive relationship and protect herself from further abuse? Most women cannot simply leave their homes, their jobs, their children’s schools, their friends, and their relatives to escape their abuser. They depend upon police to enforce the law against physical abuse. Yet, police cannot act until a restraining order is violated or until some physical harm again befalls the woman.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you may believe that it's easier to stay with your abuser than to try to leave and risk retaliation. However, there are many things you can do to protect yourself while getting out of an abusive situation, and there are people waiting to help.

Protecting yourself from domestic violence

If you live with someone who abuses you or if someone is stalking you, you need to take immediate measures to protect yourself. You’re in extra danger if your abuser or stalker talks about murder or suicide. You’re also in particular danger if you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship.

Because of the risk of being seriously hurt or killed when leaving an abusive relationship, it’s important to develop a safe plan for departure. The National Doemstic Violence Hotline site provides Hotlines for help. People who are staffing the phones or answering email can advise you on how to protect yourself, refer you to other services and domestic violence shelters, and inform you about local laws and restraining orders.

If you’re still living with your abusive partner:

• Domestic Violence Escape Kit

  Pack a survival kit.

  • Money for cab fare
  • A change of clothes
  • Extra house and car keys
  • Birth certificates
  • Driver’s license or passport
  • Medications and copies of prescriptions
  • Insurance information
  • Checkbook
  • Credit cards
  • Legal documents such as separation agreements and protection orders
  • Address books
  • Valuable jewelry
  • Papers that show jointly owned assets

  Conceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers can also be left in a bank deposit box.

  Source: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook

  Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
• Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
• Be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
• Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
• Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.
• Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.
• Keep change and cash on you at all times. Know where the nearest public phone is located, and have change available so you can use it in an emergency situation to call for help. Also try to keep cash on hand for cab fare.

Additionally, to keep yourself safe from domestic abuse and violence you should document all abuse. If you’ve been injured, take photographs. If you have been abused in front of others, ask witnesses to write down what they saw. Finally, don’t hesitate to call the police if your abuser has hurt you or broken the law. Contact the police even if you just think your abuser might have broken a law. Assaulting you, stealing from you, and destroying your property are all crimes.

Leaving an abusive relationship safely

You may be afraid to leave out of fear that your partner will retaliate if they find out. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe as you seek help.

Seeking help by phone

When you seek help by phone, use a corded phone if possible, rather than a cordless phone or cell phone. A corded phone is more private, and less easy to tap.

Remember that if you use your own home phone or telephone charge card, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home.

Even if you’ve already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you’ve called for help.

You can call 911 for free on most public phones, so know where the closest one is in case of emergency. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.

Seeking help online

If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. You can use a computer at a domestic violence shelter or agency, at work, at a friend’s house, at a library, or at a community center.

It is almost impossible to clear a computer of all evidence of the websites that you have visited, unless you know a lot about Internet browsers and about your own computer. Also be careful when sending email, as your abuser may know how to access your account. See the Women's law.org article on Internet Security for instructions for covering your online tracks and email history, but be wary of leaving traces that your abuser might find.

Protecting your privacy at a domestic violence shelter

If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you (particularly if you live in a small town).

Restraining orders

You may want to consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, remember that the police can enforce a restraining order only if someone violates it, and then only if someone reports the violation. This means that you must be endangered in some way for the police to step in!

If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if they will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.

Domestic violence shelters

A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or set of apartments where victims of domestic violence can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.

The domestic violence shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and child care. Shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters also help victims find permanent homes, jobs, and other things they need to start a new life.

Staying safe after you’ve left

Keeping yourself safe from your abuser is just as important after you’ve left. To do so, you may need to relocate so your former partner can’t find you. If you have children, they may need to switch schools.

To keep your new location a secret:

• Get an unlisted phone number.
• Use a post office box rather than your home address.
• Apply to your state’s address confidentiality program, a service that confidentially forwards your mail to your home.
• Cancel your old bank accounts and credit cards, especially if you shared them with your abuser. When you open new accounts, be sure to use a different bank.

If you’re remaining in the same area, change up your routine. Take a new route to work, avoid places where your abuser might think to locate you, change any appointments he knows about, and find new places to shop and run errands. You should also keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call 911 if you spot your former abuser. You can also learn self-defense to protect yourself.

Dealing with the trauma of domestic abuse

The scars of domestic violence and abuse run deep. The trauma of what you’ve been through can stay with you long after you’ve escaped the abusive situation. Counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you process what you’ve been through and learn how to build new and healthy relationships. For help in coping with the aftermath of domestic violence see Emotional and Psychological Trauma.

Related links for domestic violence help and support

Domestic violence hotlines

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. The service also has an email address and access for the deaf. Hotline staff members can speak in English or Spanish and have access to translators for many other languages. (Texas Council on Family Violence)

State Coalition List – Lists the phone numbers for the state offices of the NCADV. These offices can help you find local support or a shelter from domestic violence, as well as free or low-cost legal services. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Domestic violence shelters and support

Tour a Domestic Violence Shelter – Find out what you can expect at a typical women’s refuge or shelter and hear personal experiences of what life there is like. (Safe Horizon)

Phenomenal Women Of The Web Against Domestic Violence Webring – An online support group for women who are victims of domestic abuse. The site points to other sites that discuss domestic violence. (The Phenomenal Women Of The Web)

Safety planning for domestic violence

Safety Planning – Guidelines for how to safely leave an abusive relationship, what to do if you've filed a restraining order, and what to do once you've left the relationship. (Women’s Law Initiative)

Internet Security – Gives detailed instructions on how to clear your computer’s Internet browser and email account from showing evidence of your seeking help for domestic abuse. (Women’s Law Initiative)

Hiding Your Internet Tracks – More advice on how to cover your Internet tracks from your abuser.

Protecting Your Identity – Tips for keeping your identity and location a secret after leaving an abusive relationship. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Legal help and advice for domestic violence and abuse

Women’s Law Initiative – State-by-state legal information and resources for victims of domestic violence.
En Español: Bienvenido (Iniciativ a de Derecho de la Mujer). (Women's Law Initiative)

Consumer’s Guide to Legal Help on the Internet – Guide to finding free legal aid for victims and perpetrators of domestic violence. (American Bar Association)

Statutory Summary Charts – Provides charts summarizing the statutes from all 50 states regarding domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, and dating violence. (American Bar Association)

Victim Law – Search a comprehensive, user-friendly database of victims’ rights laws across the U.S. Includes summaries of statutes, tribal laws, constitutional amendments, and court rules. (National Center for Victims of Crime)

Stalking and cyberstalking

Stalking Resource Center: Help for Victims – A storehouse of information and resources for victims and potential victims of stalking or cyberstalking. (National Center for Victims of Crime)

If You're Being Stalked (PDF) – Lists the ten most important things you can to do protect yourself if you’re the victim of stalking. (Stalking Victims Sanctuary)

Survival: What You Need to Know – Resources for stalking victims, including how to stay safe, avoid common mistakes, and find help. (Stalking Victims Sanctuary)

Cyberstalking – Learn how to protect yourself from cyberstalking and what your legal rights are. (National Center for Victims of Crime)

Self-defense for women

IMPACT Safety Programs – A self-defense training program for people, especially women, that focuses on quick response and retreat from danger. (Impact Safety Programs Personal & Organization Violence Prevention)

FAST Defense Training Locations – Lists locations around the world where you can take FAST self-defense classes, which teach you how to respond both verbally and physically when threatened. (FAST Defense)

Delving deeper into domestic violence and abuse

Toolkit to End Violence Against Women – In-depth guide for communities, policy leaders, and other individuals on how to end violence against women. (National Advisory Council on Violence Against Women)

Violence Against Women Online Resources – A website for professionals and practitioners who help victims and perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse. (Office on Violence Against Women and Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse)

Promoting Prevention, Targeting Teens: An Emerging Agenda to Reduce Domestic Violence – Discusses what has been done in society to confront domestic violence. The report highlights the need for prevention of the pattern of domestic violence as a response to anger and stress. (Family Violence Prevention Fund)

Melinda Smith, M.A., Tina de Benedictis, Ph.D., Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified on: 12/14/07.