Relationships and the Brain

Our first relationship and the brain

You were born preprogrammed to bond with one very significant person—your primary caregiver, probably your mother. Like all infants, you were a bundle of emotions—intensely experiencing fear, anger, sadness, and joy. The emotional connection that grew between you and your caregiver was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. The bonding you experienced determined how you would relate to other people throughout your life, because it established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships.
Individuals who experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during their infancy often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This limits their ability to build or maintain successful relationships. This fundamental relationship between infants and their primary caregivers is responsible for:

• shaping the success or failure of future intimate relationships
• the ability to maintain emotional balance
• the ability to enjoy being ourselves and to find satisfaction in being with others
• the ability to rebound from disappointment, discouragement, and misfortune

Scientific study of the brain—and the role this primary relationship plays in shaping it—has given us a new basis for understanding why vast numbers of people have great difficulty communicating with the most important individuals in their work and love lives. Once, we could only use guesswork to try and determine why important relationships never evolved, developed chronic problems, or fell apart. Now, thanks to new insights into brain development, we can understand what it takes to help build and nurture productive and meaningful relationships at home and at work.

What is this primary relationship and how does it develop?

The mother–child bond is the primary force in infant development, according to the attachment bond theory pioneered by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through worldwide scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology.
This theory states that the relationship between infants and primary caretakers is responsible for:

• shaping all of our future relationships
• strengthening or damaging our abilities to focus, be conscious of our feelings, and calm ourselves
• the ability to bounce back from misfortune

Research reveals the infant/adult interactions that result in a successful, secure connection is where both people are aware of the other’s feelings and emotions. Studies also reveal troubled, or insecure connections, in which the communication of feelings fails. Troubled connections may be caused by abuse, but they are just as likely to be caused by isolation or loneliness.
Researchers found that successful adult relationships depend on the ability to:

• manage stress
• stay “tuned in” with emotions
• use communicative body language
• be playful in a mutually engaging manner
• be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges

These discoveries offer a new glimpse into successful love relationships, providing the keys to identifying and repairing a love relationship that is on the rocks.

How this fundamental bond shapes an infant’s brain

For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure primary relationship enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic.

This relationship, when secure, shapes our abilities to:

• feel safe
• develop meaningful connections with others
• explore our world
• deal with stress
• balance emotions
• experience comfort and security
• make sense of our lives
• create positive memories and expectations of relationships

These relationships are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

This primary relationship affects adult relationships

Insecurity can be a significant problem in our lives. It often takes root when an infant’s attachment bond fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord. These insecurities may lead us to:

• Tune out and turn off—If our parent is unavailable and self-absorbed, we may—as children—get lost in our own inner world, avoiding any close, emotional connections. As adults, we may become physically and emotionally distant in relationships.
• Remain insecure—If we have a parent who is inconsistent or intrusive, it’s likely we will become anxious and fearful, never knowing what to expect. As adults, we may be available one moment and rejecting the next.
• Become disorganized, aggressive and angry—When our early needs for emotional closeness go unfulfilled, or when a parent's behavior is a source of disorienting terror, problems are sure to follow. As adults, we may not love easily and may be insensitive to the needs of our partner.
• Develop slowly—Such delays manifest themselves as deficits and result in subsequent physical and mental health problems, as well as social and learning disabilities.

An early insecure connection can cause problems later in life, putting adults at risk for substance abuse and mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. The early emotional trauma of an insecure attachment also makes it harder to bounce back from traumatic events later in life, increasing the risk of post traumatic stress disorder.

Sometimes, the nature of our relationship with our primary caregiver gives clues to how we will behave and function later in life. The following table outlines some of the styles of this primary connection:

Attachment Style	Parental Style	Resulting Adult Characteristics
Secure	Aligned with the child; in tune with the child’s emotions	Able to create meaningful relationships; empathetic; able to set appropriate boundaries
Avoidant	Unavailable or rejecting	Avoids closeness or emotional connection; distant; critical; rigid; intolerant
Ambivalent	Inconsistent and sometimes intrusive parent communication	Anxious and insecure; controlling; blaming; erratic; unpredictable; sometimes charming
Disorganized	Ignored or didn’t see child’s needs; parental behavior was frightening/traumatizing	Chaotic; insensitive; explosive; abusive; untrusting even while craving security
Reactive	Extremely unattached or malfunctioning	Cannot establish positive relationships; often misdiagnosed

Varying parental styles and types of attachment bonds are found throughout any population, culture, ethnic, or socio-economic group.

Causes of insecure bonding

Major causes of disruptions in this relationship include:

• physical neglect —poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, and neglect of medical issues
• emotional neglect or emotional abuse—little attention paid to child, little or no effort to understand child’s feelings; verbal abuse
• physical or sexual abuse—physical injury or violation
• separation from primary caregiver—due to illness, death, divorce, adoption
• inconsistency in primary caregiver—succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers
• frequent moves or placements— constantly changing environment; for example: children who spend their early years in orphanages or who move from foster home to foster home
• traumatic experiences— serious illnesses or accidents
• maternal depression—withdrawal from maternal role due to isolation, lack of social support, hormonal problems
• maternal addiction to alcohol or other drugs—maternal responsiveness reduced by mind-altering substances
• young or inexperienced mother—lacks parenting skills

Lessons for healing adult relationships

Even if you suspect that you may have had a disrupted connection with your primary caregiver, it is never too late to rebuild a secure foundation that will help you in relationships with others. Our remarkable brains are responsive to changes all of our lives. Be prepared for some hard work to change entrenched patterns. With practice, it will become easier and easier.

Work on developing your emotional intelligence

Quality relationships require an emotional intelligence that may be challenging if you didn’t have a secure primary bond. Developing this intelligence depends on managing your stress, getting in touch with your emotions, nonverbal communication, learning to manage tricky situations with grace and humor, and learning how to manage conflict.

Focus on your mental and emotional health

Although you can’t really go to the gym as with your physical health, taking care of your mental and emotional health will help you develop more resilience to stressful situations. Becoming emotionally healthy involves:

• Learning to recognize, focus and manage your emotions. Emotions will express themselves one way or the other. Unhealthy ways of expression include inappropriate anger and anxiety and depression. You may resort to drug or alcohol abuse to block out feelings, or lash out at ones that you love. You might feel tired, with body aches and pains, and may have trouble managing your weight. The capacity to recognize your emotions and express them in a healthy way will help with your relationships, your physical health and your ability to move forward in life.
• Looking after your physical health. There is a connection between physical and mental health. By eating right, getting enough rest, and exercising, you are strengthening your emotional health as well.
• Reaching out to others for support. As human beings we have a biological need to be connected to others. The stronger and more supportive your network, the more you will be able to weather life’s difficulties. As you build your emotional intelligence, increasing your supportive network of relationships becomes second nature.

Seek help if you are feeling overwhelmed

You may experience intense anxiety and even feelings of panic when you try to make these changes. Change is hard for everyone, but if you have had a disrupted attachment as a child it might feel especially overwhelming. You may have experienced strong emotions of helplessness, grief and even horror as an infant or young child, without being able to express words or put it in context. Don’t be afraid to seek help or reach out for support. A qualified therapist can help you work through these issues.

Related Links: Relationship Help Series

Outside Related Link Category

Adult Attachment Theory and Research – University of Illinois

Attachment theory – Wikipedia

Authored by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D with Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D; Editing by Pat Davies, Suzanne Barston and Joanna Saisan, MSW. Last modified on: 11/20/08.